No Such Thing as a Communication Problem

You hear it all the time: “We’re having issues with communication in our relationship, so we are going to see a marriage counselor.” One of the most important aspects of a strong, lasting relationship is the ability to communicate feelings, concerns, praise, and so much more. However, we often get caught up in this idea that our partner is not communicating well because our problems haven’t been resolved. In reality, our partner is likely communicating in more ways than one, but we don’t like how and what they have responded to us. What we really mean when we talk about communication problems is that our partner doesn’t validate our ideas or position and we are struggling to regulate our own feelings about our partner’s response.

Let’s Look At An Example

Say you ask your partner to do the dishes while you change a dirty diaper. Your partner says that they will do it, but 15 minutes later, you’ve finished changing your child’s diaper to find the dishes haven’t even been started. It’s something couples counselors hear all the time, but where is the communication breakdown? You might say that communication broke down because there was no specificity in the time frame in which each task should be completed, but to one partner, the implication was clear: One person does the dishes while the other changes the diapers. It was verbally agreed upon, but there still seems to be imbalance. So, where does the real problem lie?

Practicing Regulation & Validation

Regulation and validation are two sides of the same coin, and you need both for communication to work the way you expect it to. Let’s break down these two loaded terms to better ensure you can use them effectively in your approach to relationship management. 

Validation: This is an attempt at looking for an agreement. It could come in the form of a compromise, verbal acknowledgement, or simple adherence to your partner’s request. Validation is the acknowledgement of your partner's communication that results in feelings of satisfaction for your partner. As important as it is for us to accurately convey our thoughts, feelings, and expectations, it’s equally important that we are listening and validating those of our partner, as long as we genuinely agree and want to validate them. With that said, it is not our responsibility to validate our partner any more than it is their responsibility to regulate themselves. In many ways, regulation relies on validation and vice versa, meaning both people in the relationship need to make an effort to do one or the other.

Regulation: This is a layer of mindfulness during which you think critically about what you are saying, hearing, and feeling when communicating. The expectation is that both you and your partner are regulating yourselves during any back-and-forth, whether it be an argument or a simple conversation. This is particularly important if your partner isn’t willing or able to practice validation, because if you communicate something that is not sufficiently validated by your partner, it’s up to you to regulate your emotional response to their lack of validation. However, if your partner tells you what you want to hear, thus validating you, chances are good you won’t need to regulate any negative feelings. Next time you talk with your partner, think about the temperament you are bringing to the conversation and consider what a reasonable response might look like to you.

In the end, effective communication with your partner is not always about the output of words but rather the practice of validating your partner and keeping yourself regulated in the process. That way, you and your partner can work together as a collaborative team to have more productive communication. Communication is naturally flawed without both regulation and validation. Take some time to think about how your communications might benefit from regulation and validation, and consider reaching out to a relationship therapist to talk through methods to better implement this practice in your own relationships.

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