There are a lot of misconceptions that we tell ourselves about the control we have over our thoughts. We sometimes get caught up in the idea that we don’t have control over our thoughts. Or worse, we start to shame ourselves for the thoughts that naturally come into our heads unprovoked. These thoughts, left unregulated, have the potential to drum up emotions and weigh on our mental health and relationships. 

When emotions bubble up, our partners take notice, and it can seep into how we communicate and act toward them. This isn’t necessarily because there is something wrong with the relationship or our partner, but rather that we trust our partner enough to lay our hurt on them. This is an unhealthy habit that can be prevented by taking time to process and regulate our thoughts and feelings. 

Setting Sights on Self-Regulation

In meditation, we strive to float along our river of thoughts, avoiding getting sucked into the emotional weight of those thoughts. This can be a great goal to keep in mind as we start our self-regulation journey, but emotions are powerful and quickly begin to influence our thoughts and behaviors. Additionally, real-life situations within our relationships or at work often don’t leave us in the same calm, purposeful state we are in while meditating. Instead, we are faced with a wide variety of distractions that often leave us surfing on a wave of thoughts and running on autopilot until emotions have already taken hold. At that point, our hearts are racing and words are coming out of our mouths that we didn’t mean. However, with these tips in mind, we can grow to be more mindful of our thoughts, emotions and actions, developing self-regulation as a tool for everyday use.

Tips for Regulating in Your Relationships

• Identify What You Feel: What emotion are you feeling? Can you name what caused it? Where are you feeling it in your body? Identifying these things can help you begin to address the conflict internally as well as externally.

• Step Away: When you sense you have been triggered or a thought has shifted into a negative emotion, it’s important to physically remove yourself from whatever situation you are in. This allows you to take a deep breath and begin to regulate.

• Practicing Mindfulness: Try stepping out into the world with the realization that you won’t always be comfortable and that there are situations that may cause the threat detection in your brain to alarm. Bringing attention to this fact as well as to the thoughts and emotions that stir up can help prevent bigger problems.

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