Building relationships relies on solid communication practices that many of us must develop over time. Not only do we develop our own communication skills, but we also learn about how to best communicate with our particular partner. This begins on the very first date, when we have the opportunity to start learning about our partner’s innerworkings. 

Below are 5 important questions to ask when you are dating someone new. Keep in mind that talking through these questions also gives you an opportunity to share your own answers. Go into your first date knowing your answers, and you may be surprised to find the answers your date brings to the table.

What are your expectations for this relationship?

What we are really asking here is “what needs can I satisfy for you?” Clear, consistent expectations often tell us more precisely what our partner needs from us in order to feel secure in our relationship. It may be a certain amount of quality time, or words of reassurance. For others, it may be broader in scope, relating to the autonomy to date or form relationships with more than one person at a time. They may also be sexual expectations, though that may not always be appropriate first date conversation.

How do you usually handle conflict in a relationship?

One’s approach to conflict speaks volumes about their personality. Are they the kind of person who believes there is inherently someone or something to blame in a situation? Or are they the kind of person who seeks to tackle the issue directly? Identifying your date’s unique approach to conflict can help you better understand them and catch any red flags that may come from it. 

What boundaries should I be aware of?

As we navigate our romantic and sexual lives, we gain experiences that stick with us and crop up in new relationships. Sometimes, this is a good thing, like when we can confidently communicate our sexual preferences because we’ve pioneered that aspect of our lives. However, when we experience trauma, we sometimes need to set specific boundaries to protect ourselves, as well as those around us. Learning to identify our triggers and set firm, unwavering boundaries is a skill that takes time to acquire, but for those who are well-practices, it is an extremely valuable tool to take with you into new relationships.

What is your vision for the future (of your relationship)?

Not everyone has marriage, kids and white picket fence in mind when they begin a relationship. For instance, alternative relationships, such as ethical non-monogamy, are becoming increasingly common, and these don't always lend themselves to cohabitation or child rearing. It's important not to assume your partner has the same vision for the future, so have the conversation early without putting pressure on your date to give a particular response.

What are some of your core values?

Some of us value family, others value their career, and others still dedicate themselves to missions for community or the planet at large. These values often influence our pursuits in life, our feelings toward certain situations or subjects, and they can cause rifts in relationships if too far separated from one another. 

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