Here’s a hint: it takes more than lighting a few candles and popping on some jazz music. In fact, it requires more talking than actual sex. We sometimes want to force ourselves into intimacy, thinking that if we get into it then we’ll get more in the mood. But the truth is that many couples stop having sex when more serious problems present themselves in other areas of the relationship. 

Identifying the Real Problem

The first step in recovering from a sexless relationship is determining the root of the problem. Is there a lack of emotional intimacy? Could there be uncertainty about how to communicate about sex? Does sex feel boring? Is there fear of judgement? There are lots of reasons we stop having sex with our partner, and it is possible to overcome these issues and kick start your sex life again. Finding the real issue behind a sexless relationship takes lots of communication, and it’s important that both partners are vocal about their feelings regarding sex.

Invest In Better Sex

While spending money on adult toys, sex therapy, and intimacy classes are all fantastic investments in our sex lives, the real investment we need to make for better sex is time. But it’s more than being available, investing in sex means being present when it’s happening, preparing for it before hand, and talking about it after. The act of sex takes time, attention, and most importantly, communication. Spend time talking with your partner about what you each think would improve your sex life, whether it’s a physical act, a roleplay, a toy, or some form of emotional intimacy. This is especially useful for couples who have begun to feel bored by sex with their partner. Spicing it up takes time and experimentation, trial and error, but most of all, it requires patience and respect.

Navigating Life Change

Life has a way of keeping us on our toes. We have to mold our lives around these changes and a sexless marriage is no different. When we stop having sex in our relationship, one of the best things we can do is adjust our schedule and lifestyle to better accommodate one-on-one time and sexual intimacy with our partner. Put the kids to bed a bit early, wake up early to exercise so you can spend more time with your partner after work, or schedule a night out once per week with limited phone use. If you need help adjusting your lifestyle to accommodate a healthy sex life, a sex therapist or marriage counseling can go a long way in helping to navigate the issue.

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